So, every year my ex-husband’s cousin holds a gala for his non-profit. While I am all for supporting a great cause, I also love dressing up. (I know, I know). I attend the gala every year and I wanted to make a statement. Everyone that knows me, knows that I love tutus. I have tons of them in my closet, but this year I wanted to go bigger. I wanted to end the year on a high note. You see, this year was the year I completely took back my self-esteem. I took it back from the little boys in high school who said that I wasn’t as cute as my big sister because of the amount of pigment in our skin, I took it back from my ex-husband who bashed my weight after I bore him three children, I took it back from the people at church who said that I should lose more weight to become attractive.
The day I took back my self esteem was around March of this year. I asked out a guy that I had liked for quite some time and he expressed that he wasn’t in a space emotionally to date. He told me that he wasn’t emotionally available. Instead of me taking that and receiving it properly, I used his words to tear me down. I remember telling myself that if I were smaller or the shade of pigment in my skin was different then he’d want to date me, no matter how emotionally available he was.
Since we ran in the same circles, I knew I would see him again and those daunting thoughts would come back over my head. Those reoccurring themes of me not being good enough. So, a month later, I saw him at a church event. When I saw him there, my heart stopped. Instead of going to say Hi, I ran into the bathroom, slammed the door, and cried. And cried. And cried. I had never dealt with rejection before and I completely internalized that “no” and built my self-worth around it. As I stand in the bathroom crying, makeup running, and snot dripping down my face; I looked in the mirror and made a promise to myself.
I promised myself that on that day in March would be the last day that i would feel sorry for myself. It would be the last day that I allowed others and them rejecting or accepting me, determine my worth. That my worth is not dependent upon others. Whether that’s family, friends, romantic relationships, social media, society, or even my doctors. That from that day forward, I would stop being at war with myself and my body. That I would love it regardless of what I saw in the mirror. That my worth is built on being wonderfully and beautifully made in God’s image and his image of me alone. Not anyone else’s. Now, when I have bad thoughts about my body or want to be mean to it, I send those thoughts out and replace them with compliments and lovely sayings about my body. Allowing
So, for this gala, I wanted to celebrate